Chapter 2: Going Deeper
Writing a Book: In this chapter we deepen the portrayal of your world and relationships. Continuing to establish dissatisfaction. Showing a sense of loneliness, that life is passing by and emphasizing conformity to others' expectations.
The Story:
Waking up on Saturday, I just felt emotionally drained. My lovely ADHD brain likes to overthink everything and replay every conversation looking for the nuances which makes it hard to sleep.
I have so much … such as pick up around my house, go for a run, prepare for my upcoming show. The list is long and overwhelming, so much that I go into freeze mode. Instead of accomplishing anything productive I proceeded to binge watch TV.
I started with romantic comedies thinking about how it happens for so many others. They have amazing friends, families that care, and find this great love. The ones that the person is a disaster do make me feel a bit better, they give me a bit of hope. After while I start to get cynical about how unrealistic these are and why do I do this to myself.
I decided to switch to serial killers… I can have some consolation that I didn’t date or get married to Ted Bundy.
Scrolling Facebook I see that my friend posted that he had taken a pottery class that we talked about taking together and went with the bartender from the night before. I wasn’t invited. I feel this deep sinking feeling in my heart of grief and betrayal. She knew they were doing this and said nothing when I was struggling last night. I keep suggesting and setting up things for us to do together, but then it dawned on me that he never initiates anything. My desire for him in his life means that I can’t let go and give up.
The more I scroll the more I there is this sense of emptiness and the ever-present feeling that life is passing me by. I take a deep breath and know that I need to stop doom scrolling I need to at least look at something more productive. Maybe I will take a class – that could spark something, I did see an email saying that the local community college has adult classes meant to be fun. I find the email and go to the courses and I see one titled - “So, you want to be a Published Author”. Something with this struck a nerve. One of the items that is on my bucket list is to write a book. I have started one many times, but I don’t make it very far and just get stuck with no clear direction. Oh well – I look through the rest of the list to see if anything else looks interesting, but nothing strikes a verve.
The next email I see is for BookBub – which is a daily email I get with discounted eBooks. If you haven’t noted I love books. Let’s see if there is anything good. Looking through the list, I see “How to Edit Your Own Novel”. You cannot make this shit up. Ok Universe – I will take the hint.
The problem from five minutes ago still exists. I will have no clue what to write or the direction my book should take. You write what you know about, but my life isn’t very exciting. Then I think back to the books I read and all the movies, how many of them have started with the main character just existing or struggling in life? I got that down! I just need to think of what could I reasonably do. Now the ones with a tragic accident won’t work – I would prefer to not injure myself and get checked into a psych ward. I also don’t plan to move across the country on some adventure, at least right now. This journey is going to need to be more nuanced. More of a – how can I “romanticize my life” and work towards some of my dream. I feel that some of these classic plot theme may work best for me:
Theme Number 1: Romance
Need a great break-up story, I do have a few. Let’s just say I have even been dumped for Penguins. Yep, the dapper birds that are always dressed for the occasion. I am embarrassed to admit that at 44 - I have been truly loved. How do I write about finding that great love when I haven’t experienced it myself. I don’t know what it feels like to be treated like I matter.
Most the books use one of many troops. The classic enemies to friends – well I guess it is good news I don’t have any real enemies. I also can’t think of any need for the fake dating senecios in my future, honestly my family expects me to be single and has stopped asking. Then there is the scenario when you get back with your ex. Well, my last ex dumped me right before Valentine’s Day, the day his gift had shown up in the mail. So, I have zero desire to go back to any Ex’s. I do have male friends, but I think we have established why that is a no go and I need to move on. I need to find someone new who truly wants me and to be in my life. So, the focus will have to be on putting myself in social situations for the notorious meet cute.
Theme Number 2: The Glow Up
How many books or movies has there been a physical make over or change to get healthy? The protagonist goes on a journey to get healthy and making over their physical appearance while changing who they are in the inside. I have lost about 95 lbs. over the last 10 years – so that is a positive. But I still struggle with body dysmorphia and have more to lose.
Remember penguin guy… well he dumped me over thanksgiving weekend where I proceeded to drink too much wine, watched “Brittney Runs a Marathon,” and accidentally registered for the Chicago Marathon Lottery. And here I say I never win anything… yep… totally got into the 2020 Chicago Marathon. Oh, the irony…. Since it was cancelled due to Covid. Fact: An Emperor Penguin weight 50-99 lbs. and since that breakup I have lost 60 lbs. or a Penguin.
Remember that run I am also procrastinating doing, it is because in three months – February 1, I have a half-marathon I am signed up for at Disneyland that I need to train for. So, struggling with a fitness journey and body image – got that one down too and an opportunity to do train and get a PR.
Theme Number 3: The Artist / Finding Your Purpose
I am struggling with my art and what direction to take it. Note above where I said I am procrastinating getting ready for my show new week? I have a small side art business that I have no clue what to do with it or how to actually be successful. I am struggling to find my creativity mojo.
Walking past all the ½ finished projects piled up in my craft room and workshop, the list of ideas that I haven’t perused, remembering the forgotten social media and outdated website. The fear… Being an imposter… how I am not a real artist
Theme Number 4: The Found Family
This one is fitting, as the outcast finds a group of friends who become their found family. I do have a history of some toxic family member, but I have set boundaries and limited contact. There is a lasting impact that I am working on, such as how to trust others and let them is.
I wonder if this is real… being single and childless in your 40s it is hard to make close friends. I have acquaintances, but for this to work I will need to figure out how to find more people in my and hopefully begin to develop that best friend or confidant which I am currently lacking.
Wow… that is a lot. The overwhelm is already setting in and I haven’t even come up with how I am going to actually implement any of this yet to create a compelling story.
