Chapter 1: Ordinary World

Writing a Book: In the first chapter you Introduce main character and begin to show how they live their life. This is where we begin to establish core problems, wants, and needs.

The Story:

It is a quite Friday afternoon at work since it is Halloween.  My coworkers have all left to take kids trick or treating and other festivities planed. Being the only one of my coworkers who is single with no kids you would think that I would have a party to attend but nothing came up.  The clock is slowly ticking toward 4 pm when I need to leave, it feels like watching a pot of boiling water.

I do have a coffee date scheduled after work with a guy I met on Bumble, so I don’t want to get sidetracked and be late. I honestly want to cancel since I am not really feeling it, but I won’t. My two prior attempts to go on a date early this year I had been the one who was cancelled on at the last minute, and it sucks.  I also don’t want to chance karma, that is the last things that I need. Every time I try and date again, I think to myself isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?

So, you may ask, why am I putting myself through this again? I blame the cooling weather and realizing that the end of the year and all the holidays were quickly approaching. In a moment of weakness, I decided to get back on Bumble and give the app another chance, I should have known better.

It is now 4 PM, time to suck it up and drive to Starbucks – here goes nothing!

I get to Starbucks a little early and order some tea and find a table in the corner where I can see the door.  Waiting for my drink to cool, I aimlessly play with the square piece of paper on my tea bag. I should be excited but all I feel is dread. I just have this feeling this will be awkward and underwhelming. I will be honest; I am not sure how much of this is from him not inspiring much enthusiasm, my own disconnection, or the heartbreak I feel realizing the person I want doesn’t want me.

I check my watch; he is a bit late.  Sigh… He did text saying he was coming, but that really doesn’t mean anything I have learned. I have a habit of being 5-10 minutes late, so the fact I was a bit early is a win for me and I will take it. I notice that the door is opening and he walks in – let the fun and games begin.

As an avid reader, this is the point in a story where I start thinking oh this sounds like it could be the beginning of a romance novel!

We have option 1: Despite my reservations, I see him stride in and there was this spark of electricity and sudden excitement. The, maybe this is it, all the heartbreak and work I have done is finally paying off.

-OR-

We have option 2: The date goes horribly wrong; despite some attraction there was some miscommunication like when Mr. Darcy slights Elizabeth Bennet. Over time the issues are resolved and dislike turns into love. 

Oh Jane Austen … you have been giving Women unrealistic expectation of Men since 1811.

In both cases the sextual tension builds leading to amazing sex (insert all the cliches) as the protagonist has multiple orgasms.  As my brain wonders, I am now curious how Jane Austen would have written sex scenes in today’s modern era.

You should know that this date was not that.  It was pretty unforgettable so I won’t bore you with the details, but I am now thinking maybe I should read the Bridgerton novels.

What is a girl to do after tea on a Friday night? I did the most logical think I could think of – I head down the street to the Brewery to enjoy a nice and frosty beverage.

Writing a Book: This is where I need to decide how much of others story’s I will share and come up with aliases.  Do I combine characters but still get the general point across?  In most cases the who of casual friends and acquaintances isn’t really important since the triggers are more from the past and not necessarily those involved.

Back to the Story:

As I walk and sit down, I notice that the regular bartender is on duty and the bar was pretty quiet. The benefits of a friendly bartender are the ability to discuss the pains and joys of dating, and having a friendly ear. We did celebrate that at least I had one date this year … where the person actually showed up, so hey that is a win. The bar is set so low at this point, it can only go up.  The words of encouragement that we all get that no one ever wants to her – the - it will happen when you least expect it is discussed.

It was an emotional night as the conversation shifted to unrequited love. I joke that I am the queen of the friend zone. I meet people, feel a connection and like them but in turn they see me as “just a friend.”  I of course go along with let’s be friends hoping that maybe one day they will come to like me. I blame all the stories of how friends become more.  Well… this is not my experience.

The most humiliating part of this is that everyone knows, him included that I like him. I just feel so pathetic. I struggle with the – I am not enough and I am not good enough dichotomy.

Writing a book: Another area I am struggling with – how do I handle this in my future books.  I have been in therapy for 6 years. I have made a lot of progress including getting an ADHD diagnosis 5 years ago and learning to set boundaries.  In book when the protagonist finally sets boundaries with those in their family or confront them, it is like a giant weight is lifted and healing is quick.  That is a lie. In truth – shit blows up. You have been doing what they want and taking their bullshit for years. The messaging is engrained in your brain and it is a slow and painful process to try and reverse it. You also will lose family and friends as your world collapses and you need to rebuild.  If you put up with crap from a toxic parent and/or sibling, chances are you did so with a lot of people in your life and now need to rebuild your entire social circle. I will say, for the sake of your mental health it is worth it. Sometimes you have to tear the house with a bad foundation and rebuild with a new, stronger foundation.

Back to our Regularly Scheduled Programming:
I use the phrases my emotional brain and logical brain to show the internal battle that happens in my brain on the regular bases.  I will be honest; my emotional brain can be a real bitch.

The problem with my feelings is that my logical brain knows that it is not a good match. We do have a lot in common, get along well when together, and well matched in terms of age and education. 

The problem?

He is emotionally unavailable, avoids attachments, and I get the sense he is running from something.  He also can’t get over a toxic ex-girlfriend who is still manipulative. I know I want to be with someone who makes time regularly to be with me and can communicate his feeling.  I also want someone who thinks I am beautiful. 

I know that dating him would be a bad ideas – not that he is at all interested or an option - but I am struggling with the emotional connection and it is so painful that it hurts and is breaking my heart. I wish I could just turn it off…

Here I am sitting at the bar, not quite crying into my beer and an emotional mess. Ah – the cliché bar patron.  I finished my second beer and decided to head home. 

Home alone by 9 PM on a Friday night … Halloween to boot… with no weekend plans.  Isn’t my life fabulous!