What is in a name?

When starting to write my book, I did a lot of research on outlines. This came from a combination of googling and finding online templates and using Microsoft Co-Pilot, which generated and outline based on the book concept I told it. I think had is generate a list of characters based on the outline I presented. I then read all the different outlines and combined them into one I like, so AI was more of a starting point.

I then had it make a list of supporting characters, more for the names vs anything since I originally named everyone after my pets but ran out of animals.

The AI Character Names and what I changed: (Added / Changed)

Main Characters: Lila Harmon (Unchanged). (In the script - I noted her age/relationship status and some information about this, AI was pretty close to describing what I envisioned)

• 44 year old single female with no kids. She has never been married and several relationships, but the longest lasting just under one year.

• Occupation: Industrial Engineer. She has a stable job that pays decent, but there is something form her life missing. (Decided to make her the same kind of engineer as I am)

• Traits: Analytical, introverted, creative, loyal, struggles with social cues and sensory sensitivities

• Backstory: Grew up with emotionally distant parents and a critical mother; developed a fear of rejection and a deep sense of loneliness

• Growth Techniques: Journaling, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), mindfulness meditation, reading romance novels, creative problem-solving, joining interest-based clubs, and exploring her creative side creating Art

The Book Club:

• Hannah: (I now need to change, since I met a real Hannah - it is TBD for now) Loves romance novels, helps Lila open up socially as an outgoing social extrovert.  Invites her to try new things. (Added this - inspired by the real Hannah)

• Josie (AI Used Jamie - but I do trivia with a real Jame so changed it): Being neurodivergent she has similar struggles, becomes a close confidant. Helps Lila realize that she is not broken -her brain is just different.

• Olivia: Divorced, single mom of a teen leaving for college so alone for the first time in years…

• Marcus: Gay, Pediatrician who is a hopeless romantic. (Was female, changed to male to add some diversity)

Alex TBD (Friend turned Love Interest): works in the evening as a bartender. Encouraging, skilled metal artist, potential romantic interest. Pushes protagonist out of her comfort zone, offers emotional and practical support. (I added the job to fit with the story, rest was generated)

Morgan TBD (Coworker): Colleague at engineering job, unexpectedly supportive. Observant, thoughtful, bridges gap between protagonist’s work and art worlds. Helps protagonist see value in both careers, offers workplace support for her artistic pursuits. Fun fact: I originally had a Morgan as a name, after my dog - so this was a keep

Alice TBD (Coworker): Colleague who doesn’t understand Lila or her differences.

Luke TBD (Friend who she has a Crush on): A friend of Lila’s who she has a crush on, but these feeling are not reciprocated causing an end to the friendship. (I came up with the name, since I added this character. I am in my 40s… Luke as in Luke Perry)

Mother (Antagonist): Protagonist’s estranged mother, source of past trauma. Critical, controlling, emotionally distant. Appears in flashbacks and a pivotal confrontation, representing the internalized negativity the protagonist must overcome.

The Books:

When I came up with the names, I hadn’t decided on what books I was going to feature yet. All the books I had picked on the themes and still changing them out and deciding. Also - I can never remember the names of characters, I give them nicknames.

Examples:

• Lord of the Rings (I listened to the Andy Serkis version): For example Gandalf was call “Merlin type Wizard” and Gollum was “Creepy Little Guy”. I think to only names I did remember were the hobbits. One of the original concepts Copilot did name the protagonist Sam… maybe I should change Hannah to Samantha or “Sam” for short.

• Star Trek Next Gen: I can’t remember half the names of the characters even after seeing all the episodes - we have the captain, no 2, the counselor, the mom, the doctor, Will Wheaton (I watched Big Bang Theory), reading rainbow guy, and so forth. I do remember Worf, Data and of course Spot. I can sing the song: “Butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as high, Take a look, it’s in a book, A Reading Rainbow!” but can’t remember the guys name. (LeVar Burton… thanks google)

Why does this matter???

Book 1: The Wedding People. I listed to this via Audio Book and named them - the lady, the bride, the groom, the kid… could not remember a single name. When I went to google the names so I could write about it, I had a surprise when “The Bride” was also Lila. Even had a glanced at the summary, I still wouldn’t have remember the brides name. So this was a first - well that is a sign.

“It’s a beautiful day in Newport, Rhode Island, when Phoebe Stone arrives at the grand Cornwall Inn wearing a green dress and gold heels, not a bag in sight, alone. She's immediately mistaken by everyone in the lobby for one of the wedding people, but she’s actually the only guest at the Cornwall who isn’t here for the big event. Phoebe is here because she’s dreamed of coming for years—she hoped to shuck oysters and take sunset sails with her husband, only now she’s here without him, at rock bottom, and determined to have one last decadent splurge on herself. Meanwhile, the bride has accounted for every detail and every possible disaster the weekend might yield except for, well, Phoebe and Phoebe's plan—which makes it that much more surprising when the two women can’t stop confiding in each other.” ~Goodreads Summary

Book 2: My original plot - Luke was meant to be the “Ex” who dumped her at valentines day, who she saw on Social Media on vacation, a vacation they had planned together but went with his new girlfriend. When they broke up he was “not ready for a relationship” but go over that quickly. I had decided to switch it out to the - failed Friend to Lover and letting go to meet new people. Going with this I picked a Friends to Lover plot line that also had a “Figuring out what I want”. The logical choice was - “The People We Meet on Vacation” by Emily Henry. FYI - Vacation being in the title but actually friend zone when the original concept included a vacation … just occurred to me as I write this (11/26/25). So needless to say I forgot everyone’s name … again. Image my surprise when I see it was Alex … the AI generated love interest in the book. So there is yet another sign.

So in the book these are “Signs” when the names matched … but they legit happened in real life. I guess the change in plot = listening to the universe. I don’t think there are any other reoccurring names.

Rock Climbing

I attended a SWE Event last week and I was talking to one of the other members about the journey I have been on to find myself - how I feel like I have lost my fun and flirty side. She Invited me to join her and some of her friends on Thursday for Yoga and Rock Climbing and I said yes.

How many books or movies does the protagonist go rock climbing. I had just decided to write my book a couple weeks before, so it felt a bit like a sign. How can I write about climbing if I have never done it. This is also a good chance to step out of my comfort zone.

Let the overthinking begin - I even went as far as debating weather or not to take an introductory class on Monday, out of fear that I will make a fool out of myself, but decided against it. They all know that I am a beginner and just learning, and I don’t want to be too much. Then to make it so I don’t chicken out, I signed up for the class and paid on Wednesday, then told co-workers so they knew and texted Hannah to let her know that I would be attending. It actually meant a lot to be invited, since it was out of excitement for the journey we are both on, not wanting something in return. That is a good feeling.

It is Thursday … or D-Day. I google how to get there, even though it is around the corner from my Ex’s apartment so I know how long it takes, but to calm my nerves I double check that it is still a 20 minute drive. I have lived here my whole life and it’s still the same. Of course, parking was a pain but I am still here in plenty of time to get checked in. We will do the rock climbing orientation after yoga.

When you struggle with social anxiety and know you're quirky, social situation are stressful. There is the continual fear about saying something wrong, interrupting too much or just being too much in general. Then toss in activities that you are trying out it increases the stress levels.

Yoga - why the anxiety? I have battled my weight my whole life - over the last eight years I am down about 95 lbs to a size 12/14 from a 22/24. This may sound odd, but since about 245 ish is the mid-weight and I have spent a lot of time at that weight, it sort of how I see myself. I have tried different actives over the year and when I was heavier I tried a yoga class. I figured being low impact it would be a good way to try and get into shape. I may have picked the worse class ever - the instructor was condescending to me about my weight and struggle to get into some of the positions without providing modifications. I left upset and feeling bad about myself, which is kind of counter productive. I have not taken a class since. I will say that I have done some of the moves at home to stretch, but more on my own and not following any instructions.

I get there, see where to leave my bags and shoes outside the studio and get set-up for the class. Everyone seems nice and friendly and looks like they are also beginners - and better yet the class is for all levels. The good news, I got through the whole class without any issues and can do most the move without any modification. It is amazing what a difference 95 lbs makes to your mobility. So this has given me a little confidence boost.

Next Stop: Rock climbing orientation. This went pretty quick, a short video, tour, shoes and how to put on the harness and use Auto Belay. I am luckily with a group who has done this regularly and are certified for standard Belay. Now to climb… I watch a couple of them go up and now it is my turn. I start on one of the easy routes using the Auto Belay for my first attempt. I actually got up a bit before deciding to come back down - you know - being a beginner and learning. Now I am telling you - the going up is NOT the hard part for your first time. For years we have conditioned our brains to do things that prevent us from falling. So now your about 20’ off the ground, and have to tell your brain to basically fall off a wall. Now I know that I am safe and the system works. I am also not that high up and there is a padded mat below me. All of this logic does not transfer to my emotional brain. I told my brain to push off, but nope, my body didn’t move. I actually clmbed part way down before and finally pushed off and then landed on my butt. I was not the picture of grace.

I did try to go a bit up on the auto Belay a couple more times to try and force myself to drop, I did but I still had a mental block. I know that I also have to get better at giving myself credit and not putting down my athletic ability. It is like I am ashamed that I am to an athlete so I proactively insult myself so others don’t look at me badly. I also have to quit calling myself old, I am 44 which isn’t that old. I know that age is just a number and I have a lot of life left.

Now to try the standard Belay and trust someone else to support me. This is a different kind of trust. I will say that it is less scary, you can have the lock and you push off and hang before you slowly drop down. It is not nearly as scary as the auto belay where this a quick drop before it catches. I know with practice I will get better at this.

My goal is to come back in a couple weeks, after Thanksgiving and try again. I think I can make it to the top of the 35’ wall, then next stop the 50’ wall.

Decision to Write a Book

Waking up on Saturday, I just felt emotionally drained. My lovely ADHD brain likes to overthink everything and replay every conversation looking for the nuances which makes it hard to sleep. I have so much … such as pick up around my house, go for a run, prepare for my upcoming show.  The list is long and overwhelming, so much that I go into freeze mode.  Instead of accomplishing anything productive I proceeded to binge watch TV. I started with romantic comedies thinking about how it happens for so many others.  They have amazing friends, families that care, and find this great love.  The ones that the person is a disaster do make me feel a bit better, they give me a bit of hope.  After while I start to get cynical about how unrealistic these are and why do I do this to myself. I decided to switch to serial killers… I can have some consolation that I didn’t date or get married to Ted Bundy. 

I made the mistake of scrolling Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest… which I am no sure anything good come from. The more I scroll the more I there is this sense of emptiness and the ever-present feeling that life is passing me by. I take a deep breath and know that I need to stop doom scrolling I need to at least look at something more productive. Maybe I will take a class – that could spark something, I did see an email saying that the local community college has adult classes meant to be fun.  I find the email and a featured class was titled - “So, you want to be a Published Author”.  Something with this struck a nerve.  One of the items that is on my bucket list is to write a book.  I have started one many times, but I don’t make it very far and just get stuck with no clear direction. Oh well – I look through the rest of the list to see if anything else looks interesting, but nothing strikes a nerve. The next email I see is for BookBub – which is a daily email I get with discounted eBooks.  If you haven’t noted I love books.  Let’s see if there is anything good.  Looking through the list, I see “How to Edit Your Own Novel”.  You cannot make this shit up. Ok Universe – I will take the hint. Edit: I later discovered that November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), which is a global creative writing event with a goal of writing a 50-000 word novel in 30 days. So the emails on featuring November 1st with a publishing class and a book on editing probably wasn’t a coincidence. My mental state at the time was.

The problem from five minutes ago still exists.  I will have no clue what to write or the direction my book should take. You write what you know about, but my life isn’t very exciting. Then I think back to the books I read and all the movies, how many of them have started with the main character just existing or struggling in life?  I got that down! I just need to think of what could I reasonably do. Now the ones with a tragic accident won’t work – I would prefer to not injure myself and get checked into a psych ward.  I do love a good cozy mystery, but again finding a dead body isn’t very high up on my list. I also don’t plan to move across the country on some adventure, at least right now and I have zero desire to do somethings… outdoorsy. My idea of being outdoorsy is drinking beers on a patio.  This journey is going to need to be more nuanced. More of a – how can I “romanticize my life” and work towards some of my dream.

Theme Number 1: Romance

Need a great break-up story, I do have a few.  Let’s just say I have even been dumped for Penguins.  Yep, the dapper birds that are always dressed for the occasion.  I am embarrassed to admit that at 44 - I have been truly loved. How do I write about finding that great love when I haven’t experienced it myself. I don’t know what it feels like to be treated like I matter. Most the books use one of many troops.  The classic enemies to friends – well I guess it is good news I don’t have any real enemies.  I also can’t think of any need for the fake dating senecios in my future.  Then there is the scenario when you get back with your ex. Well, my last ex dumped me right before Valentine’s Day, the day his gift had shown up in the mail.  So, I have zero desire to go back to any Ex’s.  I do have one male friends, but that is a no go. I need to find someone new who truly wants me and to be in my life.  So, the focus will have to be on putting myself in social situations for the notorious meet cute.

Theme Number 2: The Glow Up

How many books or movies has there been a physical make over or change to get healthy? The protagonist goes on a journey to get healthy and making over their physical appearance while changing who they are in the inside.   I have lost about 95 lbs. over the last 10 years – so that is a positive.  But I still struggle with body dysmorphia and have more to lose. Remember penguin guy… well he dumped me over thanksgiving weekend where I proceeded to drink too much wine, watched “Brittney Runs a Marathon,” and accidentally registered for the Chicago Marathon Lottery.  And here I say I never win anything… yep… totally got into the 2020 Chicago Marathon.  Oh, the irony…. Since it was cancelled due to Covid.  Fact: An Emperor Penguin weight 50-99 lbs. and since that breakup I have lost 60 lbs. or a Penguin. Remember that run I am also procrastinating doing, it is because in three months – February 1, I have a half-marathon I am signed up for at Disneyland that I need to train for.  So, struggling with a fitness journey and body image – got that one down too and an opportunity to do train and get a PR.

Another area of the “Glow Up” is the infamous makeover. I mean I was born in the 80s, so movies like “She’s All That” and “The Princess Diaries” is what I grew up on. Where the ugly duckling turns into the beautiful swan. I do need to figure out my own personal style - spending years as a plus size and for most of that, a severe lack of options I just wore whatever fit, not what actually made me feel good about myself. Then growing up in a highly critical home, I never figured out who I am. I feel I actually rebelled with my appearance just to piss people off. So this will need to be a - who am I and what makes me feel good about myself - not for anyone else kind of journey.

Theme Number 3:  The Artist / Finding Your Purpose

I am struggling with my art and what direction to take it.  Note above where I said I am procrastinating getting ready for my show new week?  I have a small side art business that I have no clue what to do with it or how to actually be successful.  I am struggling to find my creativity mojo. Walking past all the ½ finished projects piled up in my craft room and workshop, the list of ideas that I haven’t perused, remembering the forgotten social media and outdated website.  The fear… Being an imposter… how I am not a real artist. This one is a big one… more than I can write here.

Theme Number 4: The Found Family

This one is fitting, as the outcast finds a group of friends who become their found family. I do have a history of some toxic family member, but I have set boundaries and limited contact. There is a lasting impact that I am working on, such as how to trust others and let them is. I wonder if this is real… being single and childless in your 40s it is hard to make close friends.  I have acquaintances, but for this to work I will need to figure out how to find more people in my and hopefully begin to develop that best friend or confidant which I am currently lacking.

Wow… that is a lot.  The overwhelm is already setting in and I haven’t even come up with how I am going to actually implement any of this yet to create a compelling story.

My own “Ordinary Day”

It is a quiet Friday afternoon at work since it is Halloween.  My coworkers have all left to take kids trick or treating and other festivities planed. Being the only one of my coworkers who is single with no kids you would think that I would have a party to attend but nothing came up.  I would leave early too, but I have a coffee date scheduled at 4:30 PM, so here until 4 PM - which is what time I need to leave to make it a few minutes early.

I honestly want to cancel since I am not really feeling it, but I won’t. My two prior attempts to go on a date early this year were failures since they cancelled at the last minute, and it sucked.  I also don’t want to chance karma, that is the last things that I need. Every time I try and date again, I think to myself isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? So, you may ask, why am I putting myself through this again? I blame the cooling weather and realizing that the end of the year and all the holidays were quickly approaching. In a moment of weakness, I decided to get back on Bumble and give the app another chance.

I got to Starbucks a little early and order some tea and find a table in the corner where I can see the door.  Waiting for my drink to cool, I aimlessly play with the square piece of paper on my tea bag. Why do they make the water so hot? It takes forever too cool. I should be excited but all I feel is dread. I just have this feeling this will be awkward and underwhelming. I will be honest; I am not sure how much of this is from him not inspiring much enthusiasm, my own disconnection.

He did show up more or less on time and sat and talked for a while, but the date ended up being about what I expected - average. I am sure he was a nice enough guy, there just wasn’t any chemistry and the conversation felt forced. What is a girl to do after tea on a Friday night? I did the most logical think I could think of – I head down the street to a favorite brewery to enjoy a nice and frosty beverage.

As I walk and sit down, I notice that the regular bartender is on duty and the bar was pretty quiet. The benefits of a friendly bartender are the ability to discuss the pains and joys of dating, and having a friendly ear. We did celebrate that at least I had one date this year … where the person actually showed up, so hey that is a win. The bar is set so low at this point, it can only go up.  The words of encouragement that we all get that no one ever wants to her – the - it will happen when you least expect it is discussed.

It was an emotional night as the conversation shifted to unrequited love. I joke that I am the queen of the friend zone. I meet people, feel a connection and like them but in turn they see me as “just a friend.”  I of course go along with let’s be friends hoping that maybe one day they will come to like me. I blame all the stories of how friends become more.  Well… this is not my experience. Maybe I should write a book where the protagonist realizes that she deserves more… But yet, here I am sitting at the bar, not quite crying into my beer and an emotional mess. Ah – the cliché bar patron.  I finished my second beer and decided to head home. 

Home alone by 9 PM on a Friday night … Halloween to boot… with no weekend plans.  Isn’t my life fabulous!

Introduction

I read somewhere once, that the book you write is the book that you need in your life right now. I have decided that now is the time to do so as I start this journey down the rabbit hole.

“I almost wish I hadn’t gone down that rabbit-hole - - and yet - - and yet - - it’s rather curious, you know, this sort of life! I do wonder what can have happened to me! When I used to read fairy-tales, I fancied that kind of thing never happened, and now here I am in the middle of one!” ~Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

Based on how many books are out there, I am guessing that a lot of people have it on their bucket list to write a book - I am one of those people.  I have started more than one book but never have made it very far.  I have tried both fiction and non-fiction, get overwhelmed and can’t quite figure out a direction and quit. This is yet another attempt at a book, but I feel I am in a place in my life where I need it. I am doing this for me and who knows if anyone will ever read it.

The book I decided to write would be a bit like me since I am currently struggling. A lot of her struggles would be similar to mine but at the end of the day it will be a fictional book. I am going to document the wiring projects and my research via this personal blog. So my own personal hero’s journey of self-discovery will be in conjunction with my protagonist Lila.

All the stories and experiences in this “Personal Blog” are from my perspective and how it made me feel. I can’t not read others minds, know their intentions, or understand what has influenced their actions and behaviors. There are multiple viewpoints and somewhere in the middle is the truth. We all struggle with the stories in our heads. The Fictional Book will have some similarities to reality, but I have made up the characters. Any similarities are just because I have combined various people, but no actual person is in mind.