Rock Climbing

I attended a SWE Event last week and I was talking to one of the other members about the journey I have been on to find myself - how I feel like I have lost my fun and flirty side. She Invited me to join her and some of her friends on Thursday for Yoga and Rock Climbing and I said yes.

How many books or movies does the protagonist go rock climbing. I had just decided to write my book a couple weeks before, so it felt a bit like a sign. How can I write about climbing if I have never done it. This is also a good chance to step out of my comfort zone.

Let the overthinking begin - I even went as far as debating weather or not to take an introductory class on Monday, out of fear that I will make a fool out of myself, but decided against it. They all know that I am a beginner and just learning, and I don’t want to be too much. Then to make it so I don’t chicken out, I signed up for the class and paid on Wednesday, then told co-workers so they knew and texted Hannah to let her know that I would be attending. It actually meant a lot to be invited, since it was out of excitement for the journey we are both on, not wanting something in return. That is a good feeling.

It is Thursday … or D-Day. I google how to get there, even though it is around the corner from my Ex’s apartment so I know how long it takes, but to calm my nerves I double check that it is still a 20 minute drive. I have lived here my whole life and it’s still the same. Of course, parking was a pain but I am still here in plenty of time to get checked in. We will do the rock climbing orientation after yoga.

When you struggle with social anxiety and know you're quirky, social situation are stressful. There is the continual fear about saying something wrong, interrupting too much or just being too much in general. Then toss in activities that you are trying out it increases the stress levels.

Yoga - why the anxiety? I have battled my weight my whole life - over the last eight years I am down about 95 lbs to a size 12/14 from a 22/24. This may sound odd, but since about 245 ish is the mid-weight and I have spent a lot of time at that weight, it sort of how I see myself. I have tried different actives over the year and when I was heavier I tried a yoga class. I figured being low impact it would be a good way to try and get into shape. I may have picked the worse class ever - the instructor was condescending to me about my weight and struggle to get into some of the positions without providing modifications. I left upset and feeling bad about myself, which is kind of counter productive. I have not taken a class since. I will say that I have done some of the moves at home to stretch, but more on my own and not following any instructions.

I get there, see where to leave my bags and shoes outside the studio and get set-up for the class. Everyone seems nice and friendly and looks like they are also beginners - and better yet the class is for all levels. The good news, I got through the whole class without any issues and can do most the move without any modification. It is amazing what a difference 95 lbs makes to your mobility. So this has given me a little confidence boost.

Next Stop: Rock climbing orientation. This went pretty quick, a short video, tour, shoes and how to put on the harness and use Auto Belay. I am luckily with a group who has done this regularly and are certified for standard Belay. Now to climb… I watch a couple of them go up and now it is my turn. I start on one of the easy routes using the Auto Belay for my first attempt. I actually got up a bit before deciding to come back down - you know - being a beginner and learning. Now I am telling you - the going up is NOT the hard part for your first time. For years we have conditioned our brains to do things that prevent us from falling. So now your about 20’ off the ground, and have to tell your brain to basically fall off a wall. Now I know that I am safe and the system works. I am also not that high up and there is a padded mat below me. All of this logic does not transfer to my emotional brain. I told my brain to push off, but nope, my body didn’t move. I actually clmbed part way down before and finally pushed off and then landed on my butt. I was not the picture of grace.

I did try to go a bit up on the auto Belay a couple more times to try and force myself to drop, I did but I still had a mental block. I know that I also have to get better at giving myself credit and not putting down my athletic ability. It is like I am ashamed that I am to an athlete so I proactively insult myself so others don’t look at me badly. I also have to quit calling myself old, I am 44 which isn’t that old. I know that age is just a number and I have a lot of life left.

Now to try the standard Belay and trust someone else to support me. This is a different kind of trust. I will say that it is less scary, you can have the lock and you push off and hang before you slowly drop down. It is not nearly as scary as the auto belay where this a quick drop before it catches. I know with practice I will get better at this.

My goal is to come back in a couple weeks, after Thanksgiving and try again. I think I can make it to the top of the 35’ wall, then next stop the 50’ wall.