Seeds of Change
How do I figure out who the hell I am?
Approaching this challenge with the mindset of a logical engineer, my first step is to research how to truly discover who I am. According to google, self-reflection is essential. I plan to begin by asking probing questions and applying the “5 Whys” technique to dig beneath the surface of my struggles. Having used the 5 Whys as part of the Root Cause Corrective Action (RCCA) process, I am confident that this method will serve me well here, helping to identify the underlying causes of my feelings and behaviors.
I’ve learned that setting realistic goals is key. My tendency to aim for the stars often leads to feeling overwhelmed and, ultimately, giving up. To counter this, I’ll take inspiration from the way I approach building Lego sets: I start with bag one, focusing on one piece at a time. By breaking down my ambitions into manageable tasks and milestones, I hope to make the entire process less daunting and more achievable.
Consistent documentation of my progress will be important in maintaining motivation. I have a habit of overlooking my accomplishments and fixating on what still needs to be done. To shift this perspective, I’ll begin keeping a journal, using it to track both small victories and setbacks. Admittedly, my first instinct was to create a spreadsheet, but a journal may be more appropriate.
Romance / The Found Family
Both the pursuit of purpose as an artist and the journey toward self-acceptance require me to summon the courage to step out of my comfort zone and engage with new people. This inevitably means facing my social anxiety and the sting of possible rejection. I am well aware of my quirks and the feeling that I do not quite fit in with others. Historically, forming relationships has been a significant challenge for me, as my personality does not naturally draw people in. It often takes me a considerable amount of time to feel comfortable enough around others to truly connect.
Additionally, I recognize that I can sometimes be overwhelming in social situations. When I am passionate about a subject, I tend to talk excessively and have difficulty refraining from interrupting others or properly reading social cues. On the other hand, I often feel inadequate in many ways. I have never been the easy-going, fun person in a group; instead, I have always been someone who thinks deeply about the world around me.
In romantic relationships, I am keenly aware of the areas where I fall short of what is often expected. Past partners have criticized me for not maintaining a clean and organized home, for not fitting the standard feminine personality, and for my appearance—particularly my struggles with weight. These criticisms have left lasting marks, reinforcing feelings of not being enough.
The accumulation of all this criticism has eroded my confidence. People frequently advise, “Just be confident,” but it is difficult to cultivate confidence when one is consistently made to feel unworthy. I understand that true confidence must come from within, but I am still searching for the answer to how, exactly, one discovers that sense of self-worth.
The Glow Up
Reflecting on my past, I remember how exercise brought me happiness and a sense of comfort within my body. Returning to a routine that includes working out feels necessary, not only to restore my confidence but also to help me reconnect with myself. To make this process more social and enjoyable, I am considering joining group fitness classes or similar activities. This could be a way to meet new people while simultaneously working on my physical health.
The other area that I know I need to work on is my appearance. This one is an emotional trigger for me. I don’t really have a style; I grew up with a highly critical mom who criticized everything that I wore. I have never been feminine enough for her – she insulted everything about me including my hair, jewelry, make-up and clothing – nothing was ever good enough. So much so that I don’t have my own personal sense of style. Then on top of that I have never been skinny enough for her – she has even told me that if I lost weight then maybe I could get a boyfriend. I feel that some of my resistance has been out of rebellion against her and not doing anything to make her happy. I am not sure how to address this one… yet. How do I find and love me.
While navigating the impact of past criticism, especially from my mom, I find myself unsure of how to develop and embrace a personal sense of style. The journey toward self-acceptance and self-love is challenging, but acknowledging these feelings is the first step. I am beginning to ask myself: How do I find and love me?
Finding Purpose as an Artist
As I reflect on other aspects of my life, a clear pattern emerges. Most of my experiences have been marked by criticism rather than encouragement. This realization brings a complex mix of emotions. Despite the constant challenges, I recognize that I deserve credit for my resilience and determination to keep trying, year after year, regardless of the setbacks I have faced.
Living in a world that often feels ill-suited to who I am is exhausting. It frequently seems as though I am running in sand—exerting immense effort but making little visible progress. This ongoing struggle makes it incredibly difficult to tap into creativity and authentic self-expression, especially when self-doubt persists. I find myself continually second-guessing my choices and worrying about how others will perceive me, which only amplifies my fears and hesitations.
To move forward, I need to explore what I truly enjoy creating and what activities genuinely bring me joy. Discovering these passions is essential if I am to break free from the cycle of doubt and criticism and begin expressing myself with confidence and authenticity.
I think one of the first things that I need to do is to start putting myself out there meeting new people as I figure out who I am. I know that people may not like me, but I need to socialize more and hopefully find a support system. I know that learning to change my mindset is going to be a challenge.
As I continue this journey of self-discovery, one of my first priorities is to begin putting myself out there and meeting new people. Although I am aware that not everyone I encounter will like me, I recognize the importance of socializing more frequently. By doing so, I hope to gradually build a support system that can help me along the way. I understand that shifting my mindset will not be easy and that it will require consistent effort, but I am committed to facing this challenge as I work toward personal growth and connection.
